Things I’m thinking about
My mind, not surprisingly, is rather full of squirly energy lately and there’s so much swimming around in there I thought I’d share with y’all (like that bit of Southern flavor?). What do you say? Are you up to it? Aww, come on; don’t be a chicken.
The house I was hoping wouldn’t rent before we had a chance to rent it rented. (Rentrentrentrentrent.)
There is a quaint, well-maintained house a few blocks away from us that had a For Rent sign in the front. I was illogically hoping that it would remain un-rented until we had enough money put away for a deposit and first month’s rent but it seems the sign has vanished. Like I said, it was a long shot that it would remain un-rented until we were ready but it bummed me out nonetheless. It’s a nice home and looks well-maintained. I’m worried that we won’t be able to find anything decent and will end up in a shithole for the next couple/few years.
We’re staying here in this city because I’m not taking Iain out of the school and it’s so much less hassle if we’re residents. Plus, I want to send Iz to preschool again next year and to qualify for in-district rates you obviously have to be in the district. Plus, I wouldn’t qualify for any possible tuition cut if I wasn’t a city resident. Even if we don’t qualify for income, we may for risk-factors. They count things like moving (for us 3 times this year!), losing a home, Iain’s special ed status, my issues and things like what transpired with my mother. So, after tallying things up, we rank in the pathetic range and may end up with free or reduced tuition. This depends on the amount of money the district gets from the state but a girl can dream.
Speaking of renting, we still have to save for a deposit and first month’s rent.
This has me nervous. I’m getting caught up and then I’m going to focus on saving. I’m getting there with catching up and that makes me feel good. However, knowing that we’re going to have to come up with that kind of money in time before we have to be out of here naturally makes me a bit nervous. It doesn’t seem that luck has been smiling upon us too much lately so I worry that something will happen where we will need the money for some emergency and then end up homeless. Okay then. I think I just freaked myself out even more. Wow. I’m actually getting light-headed.
The fact that we have to be out in June or July is making me sad.
I pulled up into the driveway this morning after dropping Iz off at school and my eyes welled up with tears. Yeah, the kids are getting bigger and the house isn’t but it’s still a cute house with good bones and we’ve done a lot of work on it. I looked at the carpeting we put in, my purple Victorian bathroom, the kitchen floor, the roof, the outer doors, the shades etc. and while it’s only stuff, it still made me sad. That’s all stuff but we also have precious memories here and while nothing can take those away, I would have liked to part with the home on our own terms rather than being forced out. We’re not losing this because we were irresponsible; we’re losing this because we made some big sacrifices in order to try and help the person whose vagina I slid out of (I have a hard time even using the term mother, much less mom) and we ended up with nothing. How does that happen? I mean, I’ve heard of other people going through things as a result of sneaky, toxic relatives but it’s not something I thought would happen to me. Know what? Never say never.
I’m trying to move on emotionally but it’s starting to hit me now.
How do you deal with divorcing yourself from toxicity when it’s someone like a parent? I made the decision to get my family out of the situation but the fact still remains that someone who is supposed to treat me better than a stranger betrayed me like that. At this point I don’t even like to think about it because it gives me that same nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach as I had when we were living there. Of course, something like that obviously crosses one’s mind frequently whether or not you want it to.
All I know is that I will never do such a thing to my children. I can’t understand how one can be so sneaky, evasive, and renege on something so incredibly important. Of course, this assumes she’s someone who takes any responsibility for her actions. She’s a career victim who will argue until her dying day that everyone has used and abused her.
Everything we agreed on was systematically disregarded and only resulted in hurdles to jump over. She would tell me one thing and then I’d discover it was a sneaky lie. (For example, I should have known she’d never stop ordering things she didn’t need from QVC. The seventh vacuum arrived in December after she swore she wasn’t going to spend any more money from there on her credit card.) I knew years ago she was sneaky and passive-aggressive so why I thought she had somehow changed is beyond me. She’d deny it, of course, and change her story mid-way. She’d pull something and if I even dared to suggest that it was not something we had agreed upon (you know, like not undermining my parental authority which she swore she would never do) she would start into her victim routine. Nothing was her fault. It didn’t matter what she had done to garner the reaction she received, she’d be the one who was suffering and downtrodden. I can’t handle that kind of toxicity and manipulative behavior. We’re all adults and from adults I expect honesty and straightforwardness. I don’t have the time nor the energy to only hope that someone will stick to their word, tell me the truth or follow through on something we’ve previously agreed upon. It was as if I was dealing with a 12 year-old.
Suddenly I don’t feel as bad. I suppose I need to be reminded from time to time why I made the decision I did.
Paula Deen is trying to kill us.
I can only link you because my words would do this no justice. Scroll down and read parts 1-3 in order. After that, read at A Hamburger Today for part four of the series. Catch the comments because some are priceless. Oh, and because I’m the embodiment of evil, I’m tempted to prepare the mentioned meals and send them to my mother. They would surely finish her off (I’m kidding in case someone considers that a threat against her life).
One thing I will say, if Paula keeps this up and this style of eating catches on she will be credited in history as singlehandedly solving the Social Security and medical insurance crisis in America. How? Well for starters, people will be dying off in droves. Perhaps at first the costs may be higher as we bear the brunt of the raised health insurance rates but soon enough those driving up the costs will be dead. This is why I don’t get the hate for those who are overweight and unfit. I feel like I’m contributing to the economy in multiple ways. I buy more food than the average person so I’m stimulating the economy. Plus, as a result of my untimely and premature demise, I won’t be sucking on Social Security and insurance rates will decline because my broken down ass will be dead. The win-win is that I won’t have to worry about retirement and all that. People aren’t forward-thinking enough. This is dollar cost averaging at its finest.
The news? Good God.
I feel I should be informed but I think it’s affecting me and feeding my depression because I don’t remember the news being this horrible this consistently. Or maybe I’m just paying more attention? Is it me or are the random shootings at an all-time high? School isn’t safe and we can’t afford it anymore anyhow. Which is just as well because there are no jobs for grads and they couldn’t pay off their loans if they wanted to.
How about those prescription drugs found in drinking water across the U.S.? Isn’t that awesome? No matter what, constant exposure to that can’t be good. Once or twice wouldn’t be a big deal but keep adding up that Viagra and Cipro and we’re going to have drug-resistant staff infections and huge, juicy boners all over the place. Oh the visual . . .
I don’t understand myself.
I’m depressed but not necessarily unhappy in many ways. I’m depressed but my self-esteem is fine and I’m not feeling insecure. When I’m feeling depressed about my lot in life and my future it’s not that I can’t do it, it’s that it just won’t happen at all. I don’t understand myself. It’s unsettling and that I’m not kidding about. Shouldn’t I feel crap about everything? I mean, I have great friends and my immediate family has remained close so in that respect my home life is great. At least I recognize that. I’m getting tired about being overweight and my health issues but I don’t dislike myself or feel so insecure that I won’t leave the house. Well, I wouldn’t wear a bikini on Spring break but you know what I mean.
I suppose I’m situationally depressed. I have zero interest in most things I used to enjoy. I don’t care about drawing or painting or photography. I don’t feel moved or compelled to create anything. In fact, the thought of it brings me a great deal of stress. It’s stupid and I’ll revisit it when it makes more sense to me. Now I feel whiny and want to flick myself in the forehead so I’ll shut up.
Gracie has a fever.
After she had dinner tonight she told me that her throat hurt and that her stomach was bothering her. I asked her if she suddenly felt tired because her eyes were a bit droopy like she was more than ready for bed. I was worried that she might have strep throat and I guess we’ll see in the morning. The only reason I’m wondering about strep is that it’s going around in school. I’m going to be the good mom and not send her tomorrow. Since she has a fever there’s obviously something up and her fever went up a degree an hour after I took her temp the first time. I hope she sleeps the night through and gets some real rest.
Speaking of rest, I should turn in, too. If you’ve made it through, buy yourself a cookie! I’m going to post without a close proof so please forgive me if my spelling or grammar suck the big donkey ball.
I’m sorry you’re having all this pile of shit happen at once. I was wondering where you’d been.
Let me know if I can do anything; I can always find the time. I adore you and miss you.