Yeah, yeah
Did you think you lost me? I didn’t end up blogging yesterday because I plain didn’t feel like it. I was locked out of the house for most of the day so by the time I got back in I wasn’t really in the mood to reflect or shit like that. By the time I had a couple minutes to sit and write anything I was ready for bed. I’m ready to go to bed now again tonight but I wanted to catch up a bit.
So you know I got locked out. That was mostly my day yesterday and it was not fun. If you weren’t aware, it’s cold in my part of the world. Very cold. One nice thing, though, was that I got to see Iain’s 0-3 teacher when Iz and I were having lunch. I haven’t seen her in probably five years and it was so nice to see her. I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately. I wish Iain had been with me because I would have loved for her to see him all these years later. I want to figure out a way for him to see her so she can see how far he’s come. I appreciate her so much because she worked really hard with him and like most of the other people who have helped him through the years, she became a friend and not just a teacher. I hate that we lost touch but it happens. I also wonder how many sentences I can begin in this paragraph with the word “I.”
Valentine’s Day was pretty uneventful around here (not a bad thing in our lives!) but Jeff did something sweet for the kids. He bought the girls each a candy necklace kit and Iain a Kit-Kat bar. The kids were thrilled and I thought it was sweet that he bought them something. He got me some Snickers which was very much appreciated as well. I never look gift candy in the wrapper. The kids had a lot of fun at school today exchanging Valentines and gathering up their treats. It was like a mini-Halloween except very pink. This leads me to the disturbing part of my day — my son and his sweater.
Last night Iain decided that he wanted to wear his nice sweater to school today and hung it on his door. He told me that’s what he was going to wear and I had no objections. The boy likes to look good. He usually goes with whatever I set out for him but sometimes he decides he wants to wear a certain shirt so it wasn’t that strange that he made a clothing selection the night before school. It did get me thinking, though. This morning I asked him if he was getting dressed up for anyone special. I was half-kidding but it seems he was interested in looking a bit nicer today for — A GIRL. Hold me now. In all seriousness it was very cute and innocent. When I asked him about it he gave me that head lowering/tilt thing he does with that shy smile and told me he didn’t want to talk about it. I asked him again and again he told me he didn’t want to talk about it and all the while he turned a lovely shade of Valentine pink. I finally found out her name and I simply asked him if she was nice to him (yes) and if she teased him (no). He’s too shy for him ever to say anything more than hello to the girl much less call her a girlfriend. All I needed to know was that she was nice to him and he didn’t have an innocent crush on a girl that would mock or tease him. He has a hard enough time socially as it is. If he remembers this growing up, I want him to have a fond memory rather than a painful experience. It was horribly cute though.
~~~
January 9, 2008
S: That sounds like H’s mom. The clothes were also in the living room and family room. The dinning room was full of other clutter. Mostly dishes and kitchen stuff. It was 1,600 sq. ft of packed clutter.
OMG. Yes. We’re talking an even bigger house than that. I can’t tell you how much exercise equipment that sits here unused. However, suggest that it either be trashed (the stuff that is so outdated it’s rusted or otherwise broken) or moved or whatever and you get met with YOU’RE THROWING OUT ALL MY THINGS YOU WANT ME TO DIE AND PUSH ME OUT AND NO ONE LOVES MEEEEE. My forehead hurts.
~~~
S: Your brother wants a slapping! I’m volunteering!
What you describe is terrible. I can only imagine the mold and mildew and yuck. Not only is is nasty, but it’s also bad for the lungs. Sounds like you were able to save the basement from any further damage, tho’. I take it that the basement is at least part finished (as a CA gal, not to up on my basements). Bleach is great, but the odor is well, you know. Tea-tree oil, great idea.
How are you and Jeff doing? You said the kids are having issues, that’s to be expected. I worried about Maclaren and Amelia the year we moved twice. It was hard on all of us, but the kids were really OK with it in the end. They, well Maclaren, was so excited about watching our house being built, that he was really happy to move here. Eric and I were stressed, but . . . we kept it open and honest with the kids and they ALWAYS had my folks to lean on when we moved. That was their job. Nana and Granpa did help, but mostly hung out with the kids. It was a great relief.
Me: Thing is, this house has excellent bones. There are issues but thankfully we’re addressing them and the negligence hasn’t impacted things as much as they could have if they would have gone unnoticed for years or decades later. I’m going to poke around the drop ceiling and make sure there isn’t some mold here or there that formed from whatever they may have been doing down here. I know that no dehumidifier was running ever and that would have helped the situation. The basement is finished except now for the walls I ripped off (I had the Holmes on Homes theme song running through my head) and the flooring we had to remove to address things. I pulled walls off until it seemed like the mold areas were gone. It’ll take time but I’ll find it all if it’s there. I’m not one to let stuff like that go.
Poor Iain wants to move back to the city we lived in before. I do too. Jeff has been a rock and a saint. I didn’t too well today because it seems my mother is now trying to undermine my authority. Iz likes to eat out of boredom and I don’t give in because I’m worried that she’ll develop unhealthy eating habits. Well, my mother thinks I’m too mean and she will not let anyone be hungry in her house. She gave Iz, after I gave her a turkey sandwich and an apple for lunch, an entire chicken thigh for a “snack” because she said she was hungry. Um, how about offering something like yogurt or some more apple? Carrots? Or, well, just say no? Then she said that she thought it was okay and nothing makes me happy. It was a dinner sized portion for an adult. I’ve been so good about holding my tongue but she was blatantly going against my wishes and undermining me. Fuck with me, fine. Fuck with my kids? Yeah, I get a little pissed. Then, of course, I’m a horrible daughter, she feels sorry for my kids (God forbid we make Iain at least try what’s for dinner. Apparently I should fix him a separate dinner that he likes) and how could I speak to my mother like that. !!!!!-
~~~
January 10, 2008
~~~
R: omg…I need to tell Sabrina that I am not, in fact, the worst meanest mother ever. You are! According to your mother, anyway.
(9:17 am) Oh, I’ve long held that I am, in fact, the meanest mother alive. I’m this vortex of evil and it really is amazing that I have friends what with the evil and all. She’s such a delicate, delightful flower that it’s amazing no one bothers to talk to her anymore. Everyone must be jealous of her and they are all just users who wanted something from her. She’s had such a hard life only meeting terrible people who do things to her and take advantage of her. Oh, wait . . .
~~~
(5:04 pm) I’m tired of talking about it except that she gives new material every day. I am honestly ready to leave and never look back. I don’t deserve to be spoken to like she does, purposefully undermined when it comes to my children and being treated like I am when I am paying her mortgage. I can’t live like this.
~~~
(8:11 pm) Things have changed today and it doesn’t look like this is going to be a viable solution. I think this is something that will have to be my brother’s responsibility.
~~~
(8:23 pm) I’ve become seriously physically ill from this and now the children are starting to suffer. I’m not talking about normal problems with moving. I’m finding out about things she’s been saying and doing via the older ones that verified what the little one has been telling me. Things came to a head today and this is just not going to be viable. I consulted a lawyer about some issues that resulted because of this and the options we have in the short term. I’m not going to get into details (I’m not doing very well right now) but this will have to become my brother’s responsibility. I have to put my family first and try and salvage things before too much damage is done. Things were already getting bad. I just had no idea how much.
~~~
(9:17 pm) A wise friend in the same position warned me that if I let it cool down and stay it will happen again and just get worse. I’m going to cut my losses, take the lawyer’s advice and get on with my life. When I was talking to Gracie while putting the girls to bed she gave me a huge hug and said that this was the best day of her life. What does that tell you when a kid thinks that moving away from her grandparent is the best day of her life?
~~~
(Regarding my brother): I emailed him that I’m leaving in the next few days. It’s up to them to work out the rest. I’m washing my hands of it and should have known better in the first place.
~~~
Me: I guess if I can’t be a good daughter I can still be a good mother. I won’t stand to watch these kids have to feel shitty in what they should feel is their own home.
P: Don’t for one second think this makes you a bad daughter. You tried your best.
Me: I’m just thankful my husband and my kids don’t hate me. The one big positive in all this is that we’ve really bonded as a family and my relationship with Jeff is stronger than it’s ever been. We talked about that tonight and he agrees. I don’t know what I’d do if I felt that my kids and husband were angry with me too. KWIM? I’ve apologized to Jeff and thanked him for being such a terrific husband and apologized to the kids for everything. They all assured me that they love me and are happy to be getting out.
It’s all surreal right now. I’ve aged more in the past two weeks than in the past 10 years. I’ve become physically ill and my thyroid has gone haywire to the point where my face and joints are bloating, everything aches, I’m pale, I have no cuticles and whatnot. I’m losing hair. I’ve had a cold sore that makes me look like a leper and my eyes are all puffed out. I had blood work done yesterday to see how out of whack I am. I’ve been exhausted to the point where I feel like I’m drunk half the time and so depressed I just don’t give a shit about anything anymore. I can’t live like this. Life is too short and I’m not going to let my kids watch me deteriorate and them hate where they are. I wanted to sincerely help but I just can’t do this. I can’t believe I’ve sacrificed this much for someone and this is what it has resulted in. It’s like it’s happening to someone else.
~~~
K: Oh Annie, I’m so sorry that things are so much worse than you thought. I really hope your brother steps up to the plate and does his share.
I emailed him and he’s decided that he’s just going to have to put the house up and she’s going to have to get an apartment or try for a reverse mortgage. His apartment is too small and he’s not moving back here. At this point I don’t really care. He can do what he’d like and I’m not worried about it anymore. I told him I’d keep him updated as to when we’ll be out. If he’s going to sell, he’s still going to have a lot of work on his hands. I’ve done what I could and it’s taken me months just to get this far. Oh well. He can deal with her now. I tried to keep her here but she’s making that impossible.
Gah! I should get some rest. It’s going to be a very very sucky next few days.
~~~
It really was a sucky next few days. We spent much of the time avoiding each other which was fine with me. When we made the decision to leave, it couldn’t happen fast enough. The poor kids wanted out of there so badly. They were miserable and I was tired of the comments and barbs she’d throw at me, Jeff or the kids out of left field.
People, life is too short to suffer unnecessarily at the hands of another. It doesn’t matter what sort of situation you’re in — life.is.too.short. Be happy; be good to yourself; cut the toxins out of your life. My family comes first, my children especially. We may be in limbo right now as far as housing but we’re together, we’re well for the most part and we’ll get through it. We always seem to.
