Yeah, I’m still here
It occurred to me the other day that I have not been this situationally depressed since I was told that Iain was cognitively delayed. I’m now wondering if this wasn’t the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my entire life and I now also fully understand what the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished” really means. I sit and look around me and can’t believe that this is the state of my life. I’m trying to do something good for someone and I’m being treated as if I’m doing something very bad to someone. You always have to love a daily slap in the face after having sacrificed your home and uprooting your entire family for someone who gave birth to you so that they don’t eventually end up on the street. Add to that the classic Eastern European old-world immigrant who has lived here for decades but still can’t let go of how things used to be done coupled with the paranoid, suspicious and anti-social behavior you see in such EE folk and it’s a party. Woo.hoo.
I found some messages I sent from my phone, conversations I’ve had with friends and notes I’ve written. Oh, and yes, this is going to be all about me and lots of bitching about my mother. It may even get to the point where you finally email me and tell me to shut the fuck up and get on with it already but it’s my blog and that’s how I roll. It’s better than punching her in the neck or poisoning her food. Count your freaking blessings!
12-29-07
It’s all moved (well, sort of — I have a ton off odds and ends to deal with tomorrow) and in the house (sans stuff in the POD). We just returned the 26′ truck and are going to purchase alcohol. So far so good on the mother front and I’ve avoided her all day just in case. Fingers crossed for the remainder of her life. Heh.
1-3-08
She’s on a “poor me” kick. Bla bla bla bla. I’m ignoring her totally. Totally. That will kill her. She could argue with an empty house I swear. I can’t stand a career victim. Gag.
Now she’s complaining about things someone said to her when she was 26 in Hungary. I didn’t realize I seemed like I cared.
Apparently had she known then what she knows now, she’d have done things differently. I suppose that includes my not being born.
1-5-08
I’m still alive and so far so good right now. I hope I haven’t jinxed it. I’m catching up on mountains of laundry and trying to make order in the basement so it looks and feels like a living space and not a place where three-legged furniture and steel file and storage cabinets go to die. Never ask Jeff to help you move if you treasure your casters and like your furniture to roll freely on four or more equally distributed legs.
(In a conversation about people who won’t use meds despite the fact that it would help their quality of life and who seemingly prefer to whine rather than do something about it.)
1-6-08
Funny you should mention people like that. My mother has really bad arthritis and for the past few days took some pain reliever that seemed to really help. Today she says she’s not going to take it because she doesn’t want to get addicted, it’s all poison and it will ruin her kidneys. Apparently the pharmaceutical companies know things we don’t and it will just kill her. Now, this is also the woman who doesn’t inject herself with her insulin or take her BP meds but blames me for not taking her to the doctor or the pharmacy. I have a brother who could take her but apparently me, a woman with three children who just got done packing an entire house almost entirely by myself should have taken her versus my unmarried, childless brother. If she knows she’s out of meds then ask him to take her to refill (or call in the refill and I’ll pick it up). If she needs to go to the doctor, mention it and either we’ll work it out or ask him to go. He used to take her but she considered me so much more helpful. Until now, of course, when I’m doing the most for her.
Sorry. I really didn’t mean to unload like that. It’s been one of those days.
More tomorrow. I’m falling asleep and tomorrow is going to be a rough day. It’s the first day back from Christmas vacation and the first day of our new morning routine. At least the kids are going back to something familiar. I couldn’t imagine having to thrust them into a new school on top of it.
Please feel free to come on over anytime if you need a break. Seriously. Bring the kids and we’ll drink coffee and be normal people.
Thanks. I went to the old house after dropping Iz off at school and worked through the bedrooms looking for things that may have been forgotten or that needed to be brought here. Then I picked Iz up and we went to Dunkin Donuts to have some coffee and a donut (she had milk, of course). By the time we got back here it was almost noon and it was good to disconnect for a few hours.