Michigan: Closed. Please call again!
For those who don’t know, the state of Michigan is facing a budget crisis that, if not resolved soon, will impact the state in numerous ways and obviously none will be positive. Essentially the state will be shutting down at the beginning of the next fiscal year which begins on October 1st, 2007 if negotiations fall through. And well, it’s not positive for some but there’s no need to have a totally negative attitude about things!
Government shutdown details include, but are not limited to:
AGRICULTURE: All Department of Agriculture activities will stop during a government shutdown, except livestock vehicle inspections at the Mackinac Bridge, which are required to maintain the Upper Peninsula’s Tuberculosis-free designation for cattle. During the shutdown, food safety inspections, recall effectiveness checks, gas pump inspections, animal disease monitoring, and migrant labor camp inspections will stop; agriculture export and cattle movement permits will not be
issued; and horse racing will shutdown. Exports from Michigan to foreign countries would essentially cease should state government shut down. Commodities affected include dry beans, logs and lumber, nursery stock, grain, fruits, and vegetables.
Good news for gas stations! No one is checking to see if the gas pumps are pumping what they claim! Kids, now is the time to make up for all that Smart Car nonsense. Horse racing might be gone but I don’t see anything there about cock or dog fights. Refocus and keep betting. Grocery stores? No need to waste all that old but otherwise potentially salable meat. Just keep it out there because no one is going to know any better. Expect an increase in Imodium sales and this will really work out well. And if you need something picked? Noooo problem. Push those illegals to the edge because no one is going to look twice now. Exporting shouldn’t be too great an issue since it seems exporting anything from this state is a nightmare anyhow.
THE COURTS: The Michigan Supreme Court and the Court of Appeals will continue to operate with a limited staff to handle emergency matters.
Does that mean I don’t have to worry about jury duty? I hope so. Oh, wait, I don’t send that stuff back anyway.
CIVIL RIGHTS: All Department of Civil Rights activities will stop during a government shutdown. Residents wishing to file a discrimination complaint will be able to leave a message at 1-800-482-3604 with the details of their complaint. For purposes of meeting the 180-day legal requirement, the message will constitute an official notice of the intention to file a complaint. Residents calling Civil Right’s [sic] Crisis Response Hotline to report a hate crime or bias incident may also leave a message, although they are encouraged to contact local law enforcement for immediate assistance.
Now, I was worried until I read that you can leave a message with details! I’m sure the voicemailbox is of an infinite size and you’ll never get the robotic “this voicemailbox is full. Please hold for an operator [that is at home not getting paid]” loop.
COMMUNITY HEALTH: A number of operations within the Department of Community Health will be maintained to ensure that the health of our citizens is protected. State mental health facilities will remain open with reduced staffing, though involuntary, non-court admissions will be suspended. Critical laboratory services will operate to ensure newborn screenings are completed in a timely manner, and threats of immediate harm can be addressed. Limited Medicaid support will be available to approve emergency medical prior-authorizations and review exception requests for medications and medical procedures. The DCH also will maintain the toll-free number to register nursing home complaints of a serious nature.
If you’re aware enough to know that you need to be in inpatient mental care you’d better work harder to get that ticket in. On the surface you might think that’s not fair but you could look at it as a way to measure if you’re really serious about it.
CORRECTIONS: Department of Corrections functions will continue as needed to protect the safety of Michigan citizens. The state’s prisons, prison camps, and parole/probation monitoring will continue to operate, though at a reduced staffing level. Administrative operations outside of the prisons will shut down.
Less people looking after things? This, my friends, is the perfect time to test that escape plan you’ve been thinking about for the last 18 months, 23 days, six hours and 47 seconds.
EDUCATION: All Department of Education operations will shut down, except for the Michigan School for the Deaf. If Department of Education employees have not returned to work by mid-October, the state school aid payment due on October 22 will not be made.
Vacation! Woo-hoo! Teachers hate their jobs anyway and students hate being in school so it’s a win-win!
ENVIRONMENTAL QUALITY: The Department of Environmental Quality will maintain only limited staff during the shutdown period to meet U.S. Department of Homeland Security air- monitoring requirements and process critical drinking water samples to address the most immediate public health concerns. All other department functions will shut down. This means no permits (air quality, surface water discharge, wetlands, dredging, etc.) will be processed and no environmental complaints will be received or investigated. The Pollution Emergency Alerting System will be operational, but the department will have extremely limited ability to respond to emergencies reported through that system.
Those 50 gallon drums in your backyard full of battery acid? Bury.them.now. Has the state been on your back about emissions from your company’s manufacturing? No problems now. That monkey is off your back.
HISTORY, ARTS & LIBRARIES: All Department of History, Arts and Libraries operations will shut down except security and emergency monitoring services at the Mackinac Island Airport and public areas. The Library of Michigan, the Michigan Historical Museum, and historic sites around Michigan will be closed. Mackinac Island paid admission sites will close and garbage and manure pick-up and road maintenance will cease.
Sure it’ll smell but think of the fertilizer potential! You could sell shovels and pails and let people pick up as much manure as they’d like. Then they can produce fertilizer for their gardens. I don’t see the problem here.
HUMAN SERVICES: Critical Department of Human Services’ operations will be maintained to protect the safety of children, families, and vulnerable adults. Most local offices will remain open with a small percentage of field staff on the job to respond to child protective services and adult protective services emergencies; make emergency foster care placements; and process emergency payments for evictions, lack of utilities, lack of food, etc. Cash assistance, food assistance, child day care, adoption subsidies, and foster care payments will continue, but no new applications will be processed (except for emergencies as described above). Child support payments received from non-custodial parents will be sent to families; and the state’s juvenile justice facilities will operate and will be staffed to protect the safety of residents.
Phew. DHS has always been so well-staffed that there was never a problem in keeping up with CPS and APS needs before. Reduced staffing shouldn’t be too big of a problem since they were so up to date and organized with everything to begin with.
INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY: A limited number of Department of Information Technology personnel will be needed to maintain state operating systems and to provide technical support for those services that will continue.
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
LABOR & ECONOMIC GROWTH: The majority of Department of Labor & Economic Growth operations will be shut down. Most of the unemployment insurance agencies will be closed, however, unemployment checks will continue to be processed and new applications can be made over the phone or via the Internet. In addition, the Michigan Career & Technical Institute in Plainwell and the Michigan Commission for the Blind Training Center in Kalamazoo will continue to provide education and training for disabled individuals.
Applications over the phone and on the Internet? See above.
LOTTERY & GAMING: Lottery sales will end at the close of business on September 30, 2007. Players will not be able to purchase or redeem winning tickets. Minimal staff will maintain drawings due to the advance sale of tickets. State gaming inspectors will be idled as well, forcing the state-licensed casinos in Detroit to close.
Yeah, schools will lose out but no one wants to get out of that vacation opportunity. What will these people do with the money they can’t blow on lottery tickets that won’t win them a dime anyhow? Back into the economy! This will increase spending on other things like online gambling. Oh, shit, that’s mostly offshore money. I’d say it would be spent on beer and cigarettes but once they run out of beer in this state that’s all there is until the government opens again.
MANAGEMENT & BUDGET: A limited number of Department of Management and Budget personnel will maintain state-owned buildings.
They are probably anxious to get the heck outta there with all this clusterfucking going on.
MICHIGAN STATE HOUSING DEVELOPMENT AUTHORITY: The Michigan State Housing Development Authority will be closed during shutdown and all operations will stop.
Eh, this department hasn’t been functioning much anyhow. They are used to it.
MILITARY & VETERANS AFFAIRS: The MVA State Finance and State Human Resource offices will be closed. The state’s two veterans’ homes in Grand Rapids and Marquette will continue operating with reduced staffing but will maintain the minimum staffing as required by law. The Youth ChalleNGe Program will also remain operational but with minimum staff. Feeding and education will be provided by the Battle Creek Public Schools, an established partner of the Challenge Program. The state’s 44 National Guard armories, six National Guard training sites, and National Guard administrative offices are federally funded and will remain open.
NATURAL RESOURCES: All DNR operations will be shut down, except a minimal crew to maintain the state’s six fish hatcheries and a small contingent of forest firefighters needed to continue containment operations at the Sleeper Lakes fire in the Upper Peninsula and to respond to other fire emergencies. Shutdown will require that all state parks, recreation areas, DNR visitor centers and state forest campgrounds be closed, including day use areas. Citizens with camping reservations at a state park or recreation area during the duration of the shutdown will be eligible for a refund. The sale of hunting and fishing licenses may be delayed if technical problems with the state server prevent processing, and gated boat access sites will not be accessible. In addition, timber will not be marked for sale or sold. The archery deer season set to open on October 1 will proceed, however, deer check stations will not be operating.
Screw the state parks. Who visits anymore anyhow? The good news is for the hunters — shoot anything and everything! Meat is meat, baby.
SECRETARY OF STATE: Secretary of State Terri Lynn Land has indicated that branch offices will be closed during the shutdown. Online or mail transactions will not be processed, as well.
Thank God. Who has the time to deal with that crap anyway? Have you ever had to wait in line at the Secretary of State office? Sure, I wouldn’t be able to buy a car at most dealers since there won’t be anyone to process plates, tabs and registrations but I don’t need one anyhow.
STATE POLICE: The Michigan State Police will continue to protect Michigan citizens during shutdown. Though all MSP posts will be closed to the public, a limited number of troopers will be maintained to provide critical law enforcement services across the state. Administrative and specialized operations will be curtailed, resulting in the cessation of crime lab services, commercial vehicle enforcement, drug and criminal investigations, detective services, disaster assistance, and casino gaming oversight.
My God, the hidden opportunities here! If you’re short on cash because you’ve lost your job, dealing drugs will never be easier to get away with than now. If you murder someone make sure to take lots of bleach and Clorox Wipes. By the time the crime lab is up and running again they won’t be able to get anything usable to catch you anyhow. Shipments should reach us much quicker now that commercial vehicles won’t be bothered by people weighing the trucks or pulling them over if they are speeding. How can this be a bad thing? Closed casinos will simply be a big help to those with gambling addictions.
TRANSPORTATION MDOT: All road construction, routine maintenance, and administrative operations will stop. The state’s rest areas will be closed. In addition, six of the state’s lift bridges, in compliance with U.S. Coast Guard regulations, will be locked in the up position, allowing only water traffic to pass. Those bridges are located in Manistee, Bay City, St Joseph, Port Huron and Detroit. The Mackinac Bridge, the International Bridge, and Blue Water Bridge will remain operational.
It’s about time I’m not bothered by those stupid orange barrels already. I’m driving to Chicago in a couple of weeks so I guess I’ll stick to gas stations or stuff the driver’s seat with diapers as I’m making my way across the state. People need to think out of the stall. Those rest areas are barely maintained anyhow. I’m not sure what closet gay politicians will do for places to have sex for money but, again, we must be creative!
TREASURY: Department of Treasury operations, including student loan disbursements and financial aid payments, the Michigan Education Trust, and the Michigan Education Savings Plan programs would cease during a shutdown. Revenue sharing payments to local units of government will be delayed if the shutdown continuesthrough mid-October. A limited number of staff would be maintained to process critical payments, including cash assistance, unemployment benefits, and debt service.
Students, trust me when I say that you’re better off without the student loan money anyhow. It sounds like a good idea at the time but not as much when you’re 40, still paying and don’t have a degree to show for it anyhow. Face it — you’re not smart enough to graduate and you’re lazy to boot. You’ll thank me for this sage advice eventually.
Oh, and we’ll run out of booze soon but big deal. I don’t really drink. I wonder if they’ll still be selling cigarettes. Eh, who cares. You’re better off without both anyhow.
P.S. Krystn — call your mom and see how she is and what’s up. She also misses you. For me? For Gracie?
