Exhausted
I’m so fucking tired I can’t stand it. My sleep study isn’t until later this month and after that it could be a month and a half before I get any relief from a CPAP. I’m tired as hell when I get up and I don’t think I can ever remember waking up refreshed. Today, especially, I’m feeling stressed about it. I have a long day going on with appointments, music class and gymnastics. We won’t be home until after 6pm and the thought of that makes me want to flee fast. I’m also wondering if my stress and fatigue aren’t also influenced by factors enjoyed by much of the female population of the earth.
Speaking of my health, why is it that taking care of it is such a disruption to the family life? It’s so hard to plan appointments around school and Jeff’s work schedule. Especially if he’s working seven days a week, 12 hour shifts. I’m not complaining about that too much since we really need the money but it’s hard on me to have to essentially take care of everything. When he’s home he can do runs to gymnastics and if he’s on his long weekend I can plan appointments. Oh well. Such is life. If he’s home he’s not making money is what he always says. With the amount of jobs lost around here and the local economy, it’s better to work a lot than not at all. If I could figure out a source of income from home I’d jump on it.
On a positive health note, I’ve been rather proud of myself. I decided that between the sleep apnea and watching my mother suffer from her illnesses, I needed to take control of my health again. I made an appointment with my doctor about the sleep apnea but I also talked to her about weight loss. I had researched my insurance contract and what it covered and in the coverage is a year-long, medically supervised weight loss program. It’s a full-spectrum approach that combines the services of a physician, nutritionist and exercise physiologist. I was at the point where I was considering bariatric surgery but before you can be a candidate, both the insurance and the physicians require at least a year of a medically-supervised weight loss program as a “one last try” before taking that last step. It makes sense both financially and medically. Traditional weight loss and lifestyle change is always preferred over surgery and it’s understandable.
I expressed my wishes to my doctor who, at first, told me that if the program was at the hospital where the surgeries are performed I’d have to switch PCPs. She had a look on her face that, while I only quickly noticed, seemed one of trying to get out of dealing with me. I told her that because the surgeries have to be performed at the hospital I mentioned (our insurance is heavily structured with networks down to the PCPs and the hospitals they are affiliated with–you have to commit to a network and the PCPs and specialists have to be in that certain network and all be affiliated with the same hospital), this is an exception to the rule. I had called my insurance company ahead of time to confirm what was required for them to consider me a candidate for surgery. Not being someone good at a poker face, she seemed disappointed that she couldn’t dodge the bullet and told me that before she’d write a referral she wanted to supervise me herself. That’s fine.
She was quite condescending however. I’m not a stupid woman. I’ve tried things and failed. I’ve tried things and actually gained weight. My thyroid is a roller coaster. Now, I don’t absolve myself from all blame. That’s not it at all. But either way, at this point I was simply asking for a referral for a medically-supervised weight loss program. That didn’t at all mean diet pills or fasting shakes. That I’m not interested in.
Anyhow, after asking me what I had for breakfast that day and dinner the night before (I blanked on dinner so I think this is when she thought I was lying to her) she drew me a diagram of a plate and said that on half of it should be green vegetables. The other half should be split between a meat the size of a deck of cards (yeah, the palm of your hand, 4oz., this isn’t new to me) and something like stuffing or side dish. Okay. She added that if I’m still hungry I should refill the vegetable side of the plate. Wow. Thanks doc. That was extremely helpful.
She grilled me about what I’ve done in the past and even tested me as to the location of the Weight Watchers center that I attended. She asked me which I went to seemingly in an attempt to catch me in a lie. She told me to keep a food journal with everything I’ve eaten. I’m on it, doc! She then, irritated, said that we didn’t have any recent bloodwork on me and wrote me an order for a complete panel of tests that I must fast for. That’s fine. She left the room and came back with an 1800 calorie diet sheet, sort of tossed it at me (not really aggressively but still not in a manner I thought was too friendly) and then left again. I had no idea if our visit was over or what. I assumed it was and left to pay. I think she was that disgusted with me that she couldn’t even do the traditional “we’ll see you in four weeks” goodbye. The saddest part? I didn’t even realize it until a day or two later. After thinking about the visit, it occurred to me that she thought I was lying. It didn’t occur to me then because, well, I wasn’t lying.
I’ll stick around until I get the sleep study completed and the CPAP ordered and the ENT visit and then I think I might shop for a new doctor. I see her next week to review the bloodwork (I still haven’t had the blood drawn–this is how busy I’ve been) and get a weigh-in. I’ll hand her the 30 or so pages of detailed nutritional information I’ve tracked since I’ve seen her so she can check to see my piggish behavior and suggest that I eat less. Never mind that I’ve been eating very healthy and have been staying between 1300-1690 calories a day. Yes, that was sarcasm. I miss the doctor she replaced. He was a good guy.
But back to my original proud feelings, the day after I saw the doctor I joined SparkPeople. I can’t say enough good things about the website.
Adding to my stress levels these days is the fact that I have to oversee the design of the house, plan for putting up two homes for sale, preparing said homes and the closing for the lot. Of course there’s also the stress of wondering how we’re going to pay for it all. There’s equity in one home but that always depends on how much we’ll get for the house. The other house doesn’t have much equity and I try not to count it to figure in Realtor commission. Ugh. He did say that he was going to give us a break on commission since we’re selling two homes. Am I crazy? Probably. But my mother can’t go on by herself paying for her home and maintaining it now that she’s ill. Her social security check wouldn’t cover half of her house payment. Forget about eating, medications, doctor visits and taxes. Not to mention she has miscellaneous living expenses we all have. Hell, I forgot to mention utilities. At least we can pay cash for the lot. I think I’m going to vomit.
I signed Iz up for preschool next fall. I can’t believe she is now going to be in school. She still seems like a baby because she’s the youngest and I don’t have an infant to care for that would make her look like a big sister rather than the baby of the family. I took her along and she was so good. I was really proud of her. What helped is that the office had kid toys (not shocking) and she was having a blast. She told me she didn’t want to leave until I got chatty with the director (I’ve gotten to know her since Gracie’s preschool days) and got bored. The good news is that her preschool class will be at the same school as the other two so I won’t have to go from school to school in the city for pick-ups and drop-offs. This would’ve been nice when Iain was in kindergarten and Gracie in preschool. Oh well. No big.
Well, on to violin class and gymnastics. It will be good to get home, serve the traditional Tuesday night pizza and put them to bed.
